


A Page in the Wrong Direction

by Aespren



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Awkwardness, Invasion of Privacy, Jealousy, M/M, canonverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-14
Updated: 2014-10-14
Packaged: 2018-02-21 05:34:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2456663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aespren/pseuds/Aespren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean was only one page into the journal he had just received from Armin, but he had already come to the conclusion that this was not the detail log for their next mission.</p><p>It was a diary.</p><p>Armin's diary.</p><p>...Just what was he supposed to do with it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Page in the Wrong Direction

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for a tumblr prompt: What about something where Armin has a small diary/log/notebook he keeps and accidentally drops it. Jean finds it, maybe he reads it maybe not, and Armin freaks out. The contents of the notebook can be up to you? 8)c
> 
> I had a lot of fun writing this, and by far the best part was just getting to write Armin's random observations.

Jean was only one page into the journal he had just received from Armin, but he had already come to the conclusion that this was not the detail log for their next mission.

The first hint had been all the details about the weather, which hadn't seemed that relevant to their job for the next day.

_Tomorrow's weather is going to be cloudy, with the possibility of rain. The clouds aren't that dark yet, but they've been building up since yesterday and I suspect that tomorrow they will become too heavy to hold._

But he had just shrugged, thinking of it as a warning to be careful with their gear. Besides, he'd heard it was Hange writing the next plan. If she wrote any way like she talked, then the mission details were probably full of information that only she could find relevant.

That hadn't been the only clue though, Jean noted, as he read further.

_I've noticed that Sasha has started to place her utensils like Mikasa. I'm not sure if this is an act of admiration, or if Sasha is unaccustomed to placing them back properly. Perhaps what Levi said to her yesterday about table manners got to her._

Which was more than a little bit... odd, but 'odd' wasn't a word unfitting of Hange.

His third clue, however, had made the realization quite clear.

_I got to talk to Jean today while on duty. A soldier came and said there was an urgent delivery for him, so I rushed back to base because I thought something might be wrong. Turns out it was just his mom sending him food. I'm not sure how she even accomplished that, but Jean says that she gets the impossible done._

_He let me try some of it, and it was amazing._

_I didn't get to stay long though, as Connie came and told me to get back to my post. Jean gave me another bite before I left, and I swear the amount he picked up was going to fall right off the spoon._

_He says he loves his mom's cooking, but maybe that was just him trying to palm it off on me?_

There was no question about it.

This was definitely a diary.

Armin's diary.

...What was he supposed to do with it?

Well, of course, the obvious option was to return it to him... but was that really necessary? After all, Armin _had_ handed it to him. Maybe he _wanted_ him to read it.

_Yeah right._

There had been a time a few years ago when he had returned home only to find his mom holding his sketchbook. He'd been too horrified to even speak, and had yanked the book out of her hands and ran to his room, not caring that she had been yelling after him how wonderful she thought it was.

It was _his._ No one was supposed to be looking through it, especially not his mom.

He looked down at the book in his hands. So... if he were to look through this now, this would be just as wrong. Then again... he wasn't Armin's mom. He was his friend. So it wasn't nearly as bad, right?

Armin was always so private. He never said bad things about anyone (not purposely, at least. He did often lay down truths that came off as more than just a bit harsh, which Jean could appreciate, when they weren't directed at him), and he never brought up stories from his childhood, at least not unprompted. He wasn't like Sasha, who was constantly reciting life lessons she had learned growing up, or like Connie who liked to talk about his siblings (or at least, he used to). Armin was private on almost every subject in his life. And the parts that he did know were not the type of stories that he could start a conversation with.

To be honest, he had learned more about Armin from conversations-turned-awry than from enjoyable ones. Would it really be that bad to finally see what Armin thought? Then, for once, he could be the one reading him.

He looked around the small sleeping quarters that could barely be considered a room, making sure that there was no one else around. He had passed back out after Armin had given it to him, and he wasn't quite sure how much time there was until Levi would come and yell at him for still being in bed. He wouldn't have another chance after this.

Jean flipped the page.

_Mikasa and Levi were the ones in charge of dinner today. Usually Levi stays out of the kitchen, but since Eren and Historia are gone he's taken up part of the duties. He says it's only because he doesn't trust us to handle it, but really I think that he feels the same as us; that there's a hole in our team. He doesn't want us to feel it though, which is why he's helping._

_Mikasa and him were really intense... I walked in for only a moment to return a teacup and I got hit in the face with an onion. Mikasa got angry at Levi, blaming him. I don't think she's ever been so openly angry at someone over something that's happened to me. Maybe she's also trying to make up for Eren's loss, or perhaps she just still hasn't warmed up to Levi yet._

_Levi rebutted that at least he_ was _chopping the onions and getting work done. Mikasa didn't seem too impressed, as she started chopping faster than I'd ever seen her._

_In the end I took the teacup back out with me and washed it after dinner._

And then Levi scolded him for leaving dishes on the dining table... He remembered that moment clearly, as he'd never actually seen Armin get in trouble before. He'd thought it was funny at the time, but now he almost felt sorry for the guy.

Actually... no, it was even funnier now.

Jean flipped the page.

_It seems like every day the Captain is wearing a different pair of clothes. I understand that he prefers to keep hygienic, but I can't help but wonder where he is keeping all of them. I can barely fit my uniform and one other outfit in my bag, plus this notebook. How does he fit them all? I'd ask Eren if he was here, but maybe Hange knows?_

_I just asked Hange. She says that he wears multiple layers to make himself look more bulky and switches them around, and that the reason he washes his clothes in private is so that no one notices. I'm not sure if she's joking or not, but I have been watching the Captain now and it looks like he does have another shirt on underneath..._

_Maybe I should try doing that too._

Was he being serious right now? Jean flipped the page.

_Hange showed me some of the notes she took from her experiments on Eren. I'm glad they proved to be useful, as they were quite hard on him. I don't want him to think they were for naught._

_Eren means a lot to me, he's always-_

Yeah, no thanks. He didn't need to hear him gushing about Eren here too.

Jean flipped through the pages, looking for his own name, and stopping a few times when he thought he spotted it, then pouting and moving on when he realized he hadn't. He wouldn't have to stop so many times if _Armin could just keep his writing a bit more legible._

All he'd found were a bunch of pages about the weather and what he saw on patrol duty. Didn't he have anything more interesting to write about? Drama about comrades, embarrassing secrets about his best friend, gossip on the Captain's love life? Or maybe thoughts about a certain someone _not_ named Eren? That would be information he could actually use. Or really, Armin's personal thoughts about _anything interesting_ would be nice. He wasn't just reading this for fun (or at least that's what he kept telling himself).

Jean laid back onto his sheets, letting out an _oomph_ as his head hit the flat piece of fabric that the Survey Corps called a 'pillow'. Was every book just made to be boring?

He continued on anyway.

_Connie asked me if I was any good at horseshoe toss. I remember from training that it was really popular in some of the towns. I think I saw some people doing it when I was a kid, but once we moved to the farms there were no games. A lot of people played during training but no one ever asked me to join them so I've never tried it._

_Connie wants me to play with him, says that he was the champion in his village and that he can beat me easily. I don't see why he's so proud of that, considering he knows I've never played._

_I don't really hold any interest in playing, nor do I think I'll be any good at it, but no one besides Eren has ever wanted to compete against me in a game before. They always just assume I'll lose or I'm not interested. I don't really get invited to do anything at all, unless it's for their own benefit. I don't think Connie is like that._

_So even though I know I'm going to lose anyways, I told him I want to._

Jean kept his finger on the page, staring at the words.

There had been many times when Jean had asked Armin to go on duty with him for the sake of relieving his own boredom. Jean had always been the one to control the conversation, and more often than not it ended with him disagreeing with Armin, followed by awkward silence. He'd kept on doing it though because no one else would ever go with him.

Now though, he had a lot more reasons why he kept asking Armin to come with him. Though, none that he'd ever been able to admit out loud.

But Armin... He hoped he hadn't joined only because no one else ever asked him.

Maybe that's why Armin didn't write about him at all.

He looked at the date of the current page. It wasn't even from a week ago. There weren't many pages left, and so far the only thing that he'd found out was that the one thing that they enjoyed doing together may not even mean anything.

Jean flipped the page. It was yesterday's date. If there was a good time to stop then this was it... or the page after this, since that would be the last one.

_I had a dream last night._

_Eren was back. He was safe._

_That's all I want to say about it._

_It wasn't a bad dream, so I don't understand why I was so upset when I woke up. Maybe it's because it's not real. But I know Eren's safe, so it will be. It has to be._

_...How could I ever think otherwise?_

_He's only been gone a few days and already I'm back to acting like a weak child._

_I'm pathetic._

Jean stopped. The page continued on, and Jean saw his name clearly scribbled not-far below, but he didn't care. He didn't want to read anymore.

Armin wasn't the one who was pathetic.

Jean had known what he was doing was wrong. The only reason why he had continued was because he had managed to convince himself that it wasn't his fault, and that Armin wouldn't mind much. But he knew he was wrong. He had to go return this to Armin.

The only question was how.

There was no way that Armin was going to be happy if Jean just walked up to him with it in his hands. He'd be better off just leaving it on the ground for Armin to find. But that didn't solve anything, Armin would realize at some point that he had given it to Jean. And leaving it on the floor only left it open to other predators, such as Connie and Sasha. Yeah, Jean had violated his privacy, but he wasn't enough of a dick to let others do it too.

He could always just have Mikasa give it to him... but just how many days would it take for Armin to look at him again?

When Armin and him had gone undercover as Eren and Historia, in order to trick the Military Police and the Reeves Company, their relationship had gotten awkward. The mission had succeeded, but Jean only felt like a failure. He'd been powerless; he hadn't attempted to do anything to help Armin. He'd patted Armin on the back after they had returned, when Sasha and Connie had laughed at the circumstances, but he wasn't sure it helped. Armin didn't look at him for almost a week.

It had been one of the hardest weeks of his life, because he'd thought that he'd lost another friend. If he just let things fall into place once again, then he would be repeating the past once more.

He knew what he had to do.

Armin was outside when Jean found him. It wasn't surprising, considering their current hideout was nothing more than a one floor hut built in the middle of a forest. He almost hadn't noticed the boy, whose hair and cloak made him blend in with the leaves that were slowly growing more golden day-by-day. He wondered if the trees knew they were copying him.

In the distance he could see Mikasa, standing beside Sasha and looking into one of the trees. He hoped that Armin was wrong about Mikasa taking up Eren's spot as his protector, because if things went wrong then she was the last person he wanted to face.

Alright, Jean. You can do this.

Not that there was anything to worry about, right?

Maybe it's not too late to turn back. He could always just go with his original plan and tell Armin that he needed to go wherever it was for some reason, and let him find it on his own. Better yet, he could just leave it somewhere and _not_ tell Armin! Then when they left later today he'd think he'd left it behind and would have no idea what happened.

"Hey, Armin!" It was too late, he had already started talking. But he could still change the subject. He could just talk about... the weather. Armin liked the weather, right? Or Mikasa. Or even Eren. He liked them.

But he didn't. "This book you gave me-"

Said-object was yanked out of his hands. Apparently he didn't need to explain...

"What is this!" The last thing he had expected was for Armin to yell. It was a rare occasion when he heard the boy's voice go much above a whisper when they weren't on the battlefield.

"It's... yours?" Jean matched Armin's volume, answering with the first thing that came to mind.

"You had this?"

"Yes!" He replied, though he wasn't really sure that it was a question. Not that it really mattered, because Armin didn't seem like he cared what the answer was. The book was now clenched tight to his chest, held in place by both arms.

"Where'd you find it?"

"You gave it to me!"

"I-" Armin stopped, and Jean could only imagine how fast his brain was running right now, trying to remember exactly what happened. In the end, he didn't say anything. He just looked up at Jean, letting his eyes say his message for him - even if he wasn't aware of it. Jean couldn't tell if he was angry or sad, but he could definitely see the worry. They asked the only question left; did you read it?

Jean didn't want to answer it.

And he considered doing just that; ignoring the question, or saying otherwise. But if there was one thing he knew about Armin, especially after reading his private thoughts, was that he was just as observational as he looked. Plus, it wasn't his way to lie. But telling the truth this time was harder than usual.

"I'm sorry." It was the only way he could answer it.

Armin looked down, but it didn't matter. Jean had already seen his face and knew what he was doing.

He wondered just how many times he was going to be in this situation, being right by someone he cared so much about but not being able to help them. This time he didn't even have any excuses. He wasn't busy fighting, or tied up. He was standing right in front of him and he still couldn't stop him from crying.

And this time he didn't have Eren to blame it on.

"Shit, Armin, I-"

"How much?" Armin asked.

"Huh?"

"How much did you read?" His voice had returned back to it's usual quiet quality, which would have made Jean feel better if he hadn't sounded so dejected when he said it.

"I..." Jean paused. "I read a bit. A few pages."

"What did they say?" Armin asked firmly.

"You want me to actually say them out loud?"

"I need to know if you read anything important."

"Well it was kind of all over the place."

"Did you read anything recent?"

"Yeah... I read the entry about your dream last night. About Eren. But I stopped and-"

"And the page after that?"

"No, I-" Jean was cut off once again.

"Are you telling the truth?" Armin was looking up at him now, no longer trying to hide his watering eyes.

"I didn't read it," he answered honestly.

Armin looked up at him for a moment longer, before seemingly accepting the answer - if the deep breath of air he let out was anything to go by. He grabbed an edge of his cloak, bringing it up to his eyes and dabbing away at the wet spots.

"Okay, good."

"Good?"

"I thought you'd read something that was actually private."

...What part of a diary _wasn't_ private? Jean was nearly positive that he was just acting tougher than he felt. Even he would be taking it worse than this.

Armin smiled slightly, but the redness of his eyes still showed that he felt otherwise. Not that Jean could blame him. There wasn't really much he could do at this point except wait and hope (a lot) that Armin didn't hate him forever.

"I should go. There's... stuff to do."

It was an obvious lie, but Jean went along with it. "Right."

"Wait!" Armin had turned to leave, but Jean spoke out one more time, "Are you mad at me?"

Jean stared at the pair of furrowed brows. He had come to notice this as a sign of deep thought, which he hoped was a good thing in the current situation. Thinking about it was good, right? Better than being an automatic yes, at least.

"Yes, I am..."

...But at least an automatic yes could be interpreted as an angry-in-the-moment action. This was pretty resolute.

"But..."

Jean waited.

"I know you enough to know you won't talk about it. I trust you."

 _I trust you_. It wasn't a phrase Jean was used to having directed at himself. In fact, he could think of only one other person who had ever said that to him; and he had let him down too many times to count, until there came a point where it was no longer possible for him to let him down anymore, and now there was no way of fixing the past.

He wasn't going to do the same to Armin.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly I feel like after this Armin would probably go somewhere private and scream into a pillow if possible. This was written in Jean's POV so you only get to see how Armin physically reacted, but there's no way that he would take it so well. He was angry at Jean in the moment, but in the end I bet he's only going to blame himself.
> 
> As for the ending, I don't think I've ever written out so many possibilities. My original ending was actually kind of cute and ended on a bit of a happier note, but it just didn't seem right. Then I had another idea which was similar, but a bit more romantic. I tried but it was so far out of my comfort zone that I had to stop. Then I tried a variation of that which also took the 'romantic' route but ended up being a LOT darker. I love what I wrote for it, as did my beta, but it didn't work at all with the previous mood of the fic. It was like amusing little tidbits -> oh jean you messed up -> well this is awkward -> WOW IT GOT DARK OUT ALL OF A SUDDEN. So in the end I took out what I wrote and I'm hoping to use it for a dark Jearmin fic in Armin's POV.
> 
> Hope you were able to enjoy this, and comments are always welcome!


End file.
